Pro-Life. A Glimpse Into My Teen Mom Life

Something I do not speak of too often is my journey to motherhood. You see, most that are close with me know the story, and have seen the growth, and healing.  I was 16 years old the day I became a mother.

Without going into the history of it all, I cannot help but be taken back to the emotions I felt the months leading up to my sweet babies arrival. It hurts for me to even think of the raw anxiety and fear that absolutely took hold of me. I talk often with my daughter about our past and how soon she came about. I always want her to understand. To be very open, I want to scream every time I see Planned Parenthood's name in the news. It makes me sick to my stomach. It takes me back to a time I would rather not be taken back to.

You see I was in that situation that could have been very much avoided had I just walked into a clinic.   It would take pages and pages to tell you what was going on in my mind and the emotional turmoil I felt. The humiliation I felt as I began to get nauseous at school and had to run the mile in PE holding my chest that was already beginning to hurt. I wanted to die. Rumors began rather quickly. Friends that promised to stay quiet began talking. The year could not end fast enough. All I knew was that this was a roller coaster that I was not willing to get off of.

We moved to a town near by, thankfully our home was up for sale long before we even knew my situation and by the grace of God I was able to leave the area I knew too many people. I felt a little more hidden in our new town. I knew I needed God or I would not survive this. Thankfully I also had my best friend. He was going through the same things.

I completely understand the emotion I hear when young girls talk of the heart break they feel when they become pregnant and it was not planned. I can relate when they know what it will be like to miss school events because a baby will take over their life. I know what it is to finish school with a toddler running around my home and choose to go to Walmart and grab more diapers, watch episodes of Dora and eat fruit snacks on the night my friends are at their prom.
I cannot relate to the women who's stories end in a baby who would forever be deformed, or who've been raped. All I know is that "But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good..." Gen 50:20

I will not argue with anyone who feels they need to set my thinking straight. I can one hundred percent say that it is not easy to allow a child to be born in horrible circumstances. I have been a very blessed person and can spend much time speaking of my path to God and the grace he showed my future husband and I during that time. He was the unmovable rock. In submission to the God given authorities in my life and to our parents and God we were able to begin to raise up our baby and see something made of our life. If I would have chosen to dismiss that little life and sweep it all under the rug I would still be haunted to this day. I know that for a fact as I have friends that I love dearly that chose the route of abortion. I love them. I pray for them and I know God can forgive and heal their heart.

I am one of many many young mothers who chose to give life to their child by either raising the baby themselves or by allowing someone else to be blessed and raising that precious life.

The day Dana was born I gasped so loud and said "she is so beautiful." I remember her little cone head and her bruised up face; yet tears could not stop running down my face as I stared into this little life. I looked into her eyes and all those months of worry, anxiety, humiliation, and fear passed in that moment. It was a gift to me. No message preached at church would ever be stronger than the voice of God in that moment calling me to raise her up to love him. It forever changed me. It made me re-evaluate how I wanted to live. It challenged me to seek new friends and to rid myself of any negativity that would suggest I do anything other than change my life.

This is not meant to hurt anyone. If you have made that decision and want to know of God's grace and forgiveness, it is there. If you are a young teen undecided of the path you should take, I am here.

A Child's Heart.

As of late God has really been talking to my heart. Sometimes He whispers ever so softly and my life is so loud I seem to not know it is Him. Life has slowed down a bit as we are staying in the country while we wait for our next home to open up. Sometimes I think God lives in the country or He lives in  my laundry room. It is those places I just hear Him the best. I live a life of distraction far too often and I seem to hear Him as of late calling me to hear what He is saying, like really hear what He is saying to ME PERSONALLY.

I have always had a specific prayer for my children. It is " God please let them know you are their God too." When they go through hard times, when their attitudes seem to come straight from the pits of the hot place {HA}, when they do something wrong that may shock me...I try and not just rescue them out. I try not to make excuses for their behavior. I try to really sit down at their level and speak to their heart about why they may have made that choice.

That grumpy face

My older girls are old enough our conversation may sound like this" I know you are feeling wrong about what you just did. In fact I have noticed that your attitude has been off lately, how does your heart feel? Does it feel heavy lately? Or do you feel light and happy?" 

The answer is almost always followed with tears as they tell me they feel heavy. Why would a small child feel heavy? Even their little selves know when they aren't making a good choice. I know when I get to snapping at everyone around me and taking everything personal that I probably need to go sit in the corner {in time out} and talk to Jesus! 

I take them back to the root of when their attitude started. Sometimes they do not know why they feel so off, other times they admit that maybe they were upset with something I had said earlier and were feeling bitter. Whatever the case is, I allow them to speak to me and learn where it started and truly ask if that feels good to them. I want them to know for themselves whom they will serve. I want them to make that choice. I hope so much that they will live a life for the ONE who loves them more than I ever could. It has to be their choosing though.

The only innocent one in the bunch. Not for long

I have many mornings where there is a little prayer meeting right in the living room because they just really realized they WANT to have God's love in their heart. We all get off track and make wrong choices.

In fact as of late my heart sure feels heavy hearing of so many different families that I personally look up to making mistakes. Like HUGE mistakes. I gasp when I read of others sins. I instantly judge how they must parent. I wonder what in the world they entertain themselves with. I question them. {I forget I make mistakes too}

We live in a society where blogging is the thing. Maybe it is just myself, but I LOVE to read mommy blogs! If you are telling me how to parent, if you are cooking up something that will feed my family for 45 days for 14.00 (HAHA), do my laundry for 6 people in 6 minutes, if you are telling me how to have a wonderful marriage, how to repurpose that old furniture of mine...I WANT TO KNOW IT ALLLLL! 

Sometimes when I sit down to the read the Word of God. I get lost. Can I be real here? I start thinking about laundry. I have to really focus. I receive best when someone else breaks it down for me. I love to hear how your kids made you so crazy that you flipped a table on them and then felt bad so you went and received of God and here is what He said to you. OK That was extreme.... Do you get what I am saying though?

More and more lately I hear God calling to me, putting a scripture in my mind. Talking to me personally as I slow down to listen. I hear him telling me what I tell my children so often. " I AM your God." I forget that He loves me the same. When others fall, I hurt so much watching them. I all of a sudden get nervous that the life they live that I have watched through their online blogging, or through their books, or tv show may throw me off! I forget that the fountain of knowledge that they so freely share comes from the exact source that I may get so distracted reading! HE IS MY GOD TOO! I can glean from other mamas all day every day, there is nothing wrong with that. BUT it is ever so important for me to always remember He cares for me and the things that they suggest doing in parenting or in marriage..(maybe not crocking because there were no crockpots in the bible) all come from the source of the bible. I have that same book. I read it. But here is to reading it with a new purpose...and knowing full well that the same scripture that struck others to begin teaching their children this or that will strike me too and help me as well.

Here is to always learning, growing, and touching our children's hearts. Here is to leading them to know Jesus Christ as THEIR God.