Stories from the Tolbert Home: He gives and takes away, my heart will choose to say...blessed be your NAME

First, I want to thank all of my family and friends for all you have done in our lives. I do not know how we would have made it through this very difficult time without all of your cards,emails,prayers,hugs,calls, or texts.

It has been a very long 2 weeks and I am thankful to finally have some distance between the weeks. It feels nice to be able to look back, rather than being in the current situation. Losing our 3rd baby was difficult, unexpected, and heartbreaking. In the middle of all of that, I went through my facebook page deleting any post I had that talked of my pregnancy. I did not want any reminder that this happened. Of course I regretted it a few minutes later. I was devastated that I had not kept a journal to remember this pregnancy by and I had deleted any memory of that precious time in my life.

Then I remembered that I had started this blog, I got excited and thought of starting a new one or erasing this one. But that time in our life cannot be erased, I am glad to remember it. Now that a small amount of time has passed it is easier to talk about it, and remember it. I have not taken down all of the cards off of my mantel yet, I don't know when I will. For now, it is precious to remember and keep close to my heart. We took family pictures the day before we found out about losing the baby, and they mean so much to me when I look at them because it was a precious moment in time that my dear friend was able to capture on camera.

So many women have said things to help me through this. One precious thing said was "your baby will not have to fight the temptations and evil things of this world, you have one baby that has made it to Heaven, and you have 2 more to keep fighting for" That has kept me strong in this. Remembering that I am blessed beyond measure to be a mother. There are many women who will never experience this unspeakable joy. I seem to hug my girls a little tighter lately and cherish the moments a lot more. My husband has been so helpful, there are no words to describe how helpful he was. I know he was hurting, I saw it on his face yet he kept going so I could rest my mind, and my body. I love him even more than before. I never would have thought when I met him that he would one day become my husband and father to my children. I never would have imagined all we would go through to make it to this point in our life, I would not change one thing. Each mistake we have made, each and every valley we have walked in, each and every mountain top we have made it to, has been worth it. God truly put Kraiger in my life. As a husband and a best friend.

Dana took this very hard. She has a big heart, and when she found out she started drawing me pictures and notes. One of them was a card with a big heart on it, half the heart was blue, half was pink and it said "boy or girl" I love you. She grieved right along with me.

Before finding out the news we went out to buy a few baby things since I was coming into my 2nd trimester that week. We were so excited when we found this monkey bean bag chair, it had a back on it with arms coming forward. I told Kraiger I could just picture our baby laying in there. We bought it and told Ava that was for the baby(she thought it was for her:) So she left it alone, when we found out our news and finally told Ava she did not understand, or so I thought, but a few minutes later I walked into the living room and she had placed a baby doll in the arms of that beanbag chair. It meant so much to Kraiger and I. Dana had her grieving time, many tears, many questions. Ava did a very simple act and it spoke so much to us. She did not take the baby out of the chair for almost a week.

I do not know how I could have gone through this without my Mom, she was so helpful to my heart and also for taking care of my girls. My neighbor and friend Amanda was also a huge help.

There are countless women that said personal things to me that held me up through this time. Thank you so much.

Please continue to keep our family in your prayers as we start a new chapter of our life. God has truly had his hand on us this entire time. I know that he gives life and he takes away, and it gave me a peace like no other to know that it was God, who took my baby to be with him. It was not an act of my own, it was His. I know that he has a purpose and I trust that. I look forward to this new year, and all it has coming for our family.